|Why am I soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard
||[Dec. 11th, 2009|01:24 am]
Spinning 45 Ballerina
|||||donna summer-she works hard for the money||]|
this day has been... no good. so filled with innate conversation and misunderstandings, the list goes on forever. had trouble making myself understood today. work was a challenge, things went wrong that I can't fix. I'm in charge of the the trouble to come tomorrow and Saturday, there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm getting a cold. It's my own fault for drinking night's away in rooms with open windows, smoking cigarettes I can't afford. as my face turned red and sore, my eyes started running and hope just imploded, I couldn't tell if I was crying or not at the end. didn't know if I was blushing out of shame or just feverish. If I had my wits about me maybe I could have been of some use today, but my mind quit on me. it's a special kind of defeat when you're hiding in a corner, peering trough a crack to avoid wishing a colleague a merry Christmas twice.
I'm pretending black metal, paul simon and clock work orange themed bands (moloko/heaven 17) make it all better. mostly I think not being at work helps, but the support of friends who give me cheese and drinks is invaluable. I had a bit of a cry in the shower, and when I got back in my room I realized the reason why my internet wasn't working was that I took the chord out last night. no internet was the beginning of this useless day, making me come in to work a good half hour early to get my on-line on.
I was looking forward to writing this entry. it wasn't going to be about work and a cold, but about relationships and feelings, and about my shortcomings and general unfeeling attitude. I wanted to understand my sense of isolation and my anger, but I guess I figured out its working to hard and drinking to much that's the problem (miss. beerbelly-beerbelly). I'm practically a middle-aged bawled guy with an ulcer who can't afford a nice car to cheer him up. consumerism:
am exited about a lene lovich dvd I ordered 11 days ago though. I was promised would be here in ten days or less. just finished ransacking the apartment for it in case someone had brought it in and not told me.It's live, from studio 54. I'll buy some new books with my next pay check. fell in love with the author Christopher Isherwood last year when I read an extract of the Berlin diary's. I want to read everything he's written. got to see a preview of a single man (the tom ford movie (based on an Isherwood novel)). it was every bit as fabulous as it promised to be. I was so disappointed to find out Isherwood was gay though. why is everything I like gay?
(why am I short of attention? got a short little span of attention! my nights are so long.)
well this has certainly done it's job. I love you blog! you're my special little health care provider. always listening to me and helping me work things out. (I feel in control again.) blogs and kisses.