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Spinning 45 Ballerina

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Dear Diary [Jan. 21st, 2009|12:23 am]
Spinning 45 Ballerina
[Current Music |bryan ferry-jealous guy]

This Friday I attended an after party where I experienced two separate accusations regarded my sexuality. The first one came when i was rather aimlessly winding up a friend of mine, accusing him of being a hipster. I did not intend it to be a vicious windup, and stated that I much admired hipsting and the people preforming this sacred act.
In any generation at least a fraction of the most interesting, creative and influential people are hipsters. I always assume that I'll have more in common with the sharpest dresser in a crowd because I always assume they are the sharpest thinkers (often it's true). I do hate it when people throw about the word zeitgeist, the ghost part is actually not originally a metaphor, more an idea to describe the metaphysical spirit of the time. (Heart breaking isn't it? Such a beautiful and hip word carrying this inherent message of religiousness.) Still, it is now, and I sometimes feel like I might have missed out because of my mostly nostalgic preferences. There is obviously something to be said for living in ones own time.
Anyways I was telling him how he shouldn't shy away from his hipsterness, but rather accept it. (I must admit this advice stems more from the embarrassment I feel when people deny being what they obviously are, than from an actual wish for him to "embrace" himself.) Anyways I was packaging this drunken massage of inner fulfillment in utter irony, when a girl, who I had barely noticed, very rudely interrupted to ask me "Are you a lesbian or are you bisexual?". I was kinda stunned when I replied, "No, I'm sorry, I'm just a plain old heterofiliac, how about you?" She was not, and thus not hitting on me,, just another stupid girl foreign to the concept of gender. She later explained her assumption about my sexual preferences with my obvious interest in my friend "being himself", according to her this is apparently a gay quality. I guess she was trying to embarrass me, yet all felt was another disappointment in humanity.
Having interrupted my conversation she, and her partner in conversational crime subsequently leapt on to my friend in hopes of mating with him. He is a total blim blam, but also much more than just a sexual object. As Charlotte has asserted time and time again over the last couple of days, the world would be much better place if people could bear to be just a little less superficial.

The other accusations was incidentally the total opposite. It turns out an old friend (and BF to the hipster guy) has come out of the closet. I'm happy for him but also I have been hitting on him for most of our relationship. I didn't realize he was gay and thought that his shyness with girls stemmed from him being a little bit short. This was in no way pity that made me do it, but not really lusting either. I am actually a little bit bigot about guys who are shorter than me, but on the other hand, being really tall, I identify with them "not fitting the gender mold", as it where.
So now he thinks I've had a crush on him, and says he pity's me for only falling in love with gay guys, (I have apparently ones told him that I am so afflicted). It is true that I loved Oscar Wilde growing up. His clothes, his hair, his "work", everything! (But then again I also had a crush on Lumiere, the candlestick in Beauty and the Beast. (Is this a good example? Was Lumiere also gay? No, just french I think, maybe Cogswurth though...) but I can't really think of any other gay crushes. Must be something I said to appear cool and camp. Well anyways I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter, but I'd like to think it's important to him, and if he asks me again I will not deny it. It's hard though, I guess unrequited love is such a shitty emotion that it even hurts when you're not in love with the person. Bah. Anyways my fascination with him was maybe not sexual, but still almost powerful. And it would be nicer then most crushes I've had, a genuine excuse at the end. "I'm sorry Karina, I can not love you! I am differently inclined, for I am not intrigued buy you're sex." Softest lett down. To dear the dream...

Sooo. Im a fag haggin' homo lovin' lesser, and why not?
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